Maybe God's In on It

"God doesn't give you anything you can't handle...

Unless God is in on it and doesn't like you either."

--Ellen Degeneres

Waiting for Rain

Outside my window, it’s overcast and cool.

Not yet Christmas, but I’m already looking back on 2008—I was going to write one last snarky post for Switch 2 Plan B in the form of a year-end review. We’ll see.

It’s been a difficult year…

But it’s quiet this morning.

I’m taking most of the week off, but have to work on Christmas day. Until then, I’ll be doing a little more of this: sitting by the fire with my laptop.

I wrote about 146 blog postings this past year. Not bad. This past month, I got over 500 hits in a single week, but for a blog, that’s not really saying much at all. Every week I ask myself the same question: Should I keep blogging, or just shut it down? Is there are point to all this?

I’m waiting for the rain. It never rains here on Christmas…

But sooner or later, everything must go...

Take Back the Season

No, wait…this isn’t one of those blog postings about the over-commercialization of Christmas, and that whole “reason for the season” rant. I mean, let’s get real: Retailers do most of their business during these next few weeks. Sometimes it seems like the Lord created Christmas just to keep our economy afloat. So Happy Holidays, Best Buy!

No, this post is about something far more important…

The weather.

Every year here in Cali, we’re subjected to miles and miles of front yard tableaux, replete with cheap plastic statues of carrot-nosed snowmen and prancing reindeer. In the malls, an unending soundtrack of cheery winter songs like “Let it Snow!”

Here, sing it with me: “Oh, the weather outside is frightful…”

You want frightful weather? How about a snappy melody extolling temperatures in the 80s and 90s? Relative humidity dropping into single digits? Santa Ana winds out of the northeast at 60 miles an hour? Now that’s frightening Christmas weather! It’s called “Red Flag,” jolly St. Nick!

When will the rest of this country stop those on the East Coast from dictating the mood for the holidays, with their depressing motifs of snow and cold?

It was probably 72 and sunny in Bethlehem that day, for cryin’ out loud! If the baby Jesus wanted to become God incarnate in snow pack, he would’ve picked Oslo, Norway.

Jesus wants you to celebrate his birthday as it really happened: Hot and cloudless. He doesn’t even like the East Coast. Ever read a Bible story that depicts the Son of Man ice-skating? “Blessed are the snowboarders?”

No!

Take back the season…

Instead of heading up to the local mountain resorts, drive out to the desert and come back with your pick-up truck bed full of sand and creosote bushes. Decorate your front yard with plastic camels and sweaty Bedouins. For that big holiday meal, serve up roasted roadrunner and cactus. “Let it blow, let it blow, let it blow!”

That’s what Jesus would do for the holidays.

Played

Skulls
Tats
Skull tats
Full sleeve
Harleys
Baggy pants past your ass, boxers showin’
Nose piercing
Eyebrow piercing
Gangsta rap with angry lyrics about shit you never had to endure
Black clothes
Mohawks
Goatees
Shaved heads
Doc Martins
Hi tops
Hard core metal with angry lyrics about shit you never had to endure
Age-ism
The N word
Arguing about who can and cannot say the N word
Clintons
Bushes
Red v. Blue
Cynicism
Christian-bashing
Fox News
The Daily Show
Smugness
Hypocrisy
Accusing others of hypocrisy
14 miles to the gallon
Bumper stickers about your faith/lack of faith
Illiteracy
Short attention spans
Texting
Self-aggrandizement
YourBook
MyFace
Hookin’ up
Kids having kids
Leaving your wife & kids
Binge
Ingratitude
Bling
Virtual
Viral
Reality shows
American Idol
Dawg
Ho
Ennui
Disaffection
Affecting disaffection
Taking offense
Aggression
Your bad-ass stance…

All of this junk is PLAYED!

It’s all, what?—ten, fifteen, twenty, thirty years old now? It’s over…

Do you really need a 40-something to point this out to you?

Everything must go…

Stalling for Time

Since Switch is in the middle of another one of his stupid “3-part series,” I’ll post a few bullet points here for those three people who actually read “Everything Must Go.” Notes from my mundane, meaningless existence:

* I’m back in a fire station, driving a rig. It’s like staring all over again, and I hate it. The T-Rex is a bitch...

* “VHL-stock” was a blast, and I’ll post pictures next week...

* I spent the weekend avoiding writing anything new, and instead screwing around with my Facebook and flickr pages...

* My poor wife seems to finally be on the mend. Local ER staffs all know her by name now…

* I’ve been reading “I’ll Sleep When I’m Dead: The Dirty Life and Times of Warren Zevon.” Along with Bukowski and the recent Rolling Stone piece on Robert Downey Jr., I’ve been studying the lives of famous drunken a**holes. Contemplating posting about it…

* I apologize for posting all the crappy song lyrics on both blog sites. Seemed like a good idea at the time…

* It’s been 1 month and a week, for those keeping track. But I can't recommend it...

Still Trying...

Still trying to get the hang of this "hands free" thing...

Can You Hear Me Now?

Smoking Kills

I was thinking of taking up smoking as a way to calm my nerves and suppress hunger.

Of course, you can't just rush into a bad habit like that, so I was thinking of easing into it. I'll start by chewing nicotine gum first, and then switch to a patch, before I finally begin puffing away on Marlboro Lights.

Eventual goal: filterless Lucky Strikes, two packs a day...